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Society’s Obsession with “Dominating”
Society idolizes the dominating competitor. The Michael Jordans, the Kobe Bryants, Tom Brady, Novak Djokovic—athletes, artists, and business icons who reach the pinnacle of their fields through sheer determination and competitive force. We study them, hoping to replicate their success, and we often hear that competitiveness tops the list of traits needed to excel.
But what does “competitiveness” actually mean?
According to the Oxford Dictionary, there are two definitions:
Possession of a strong desire to be more successful than others.
The quality of being as good as or better than others of a comparable nature.
From day one, we learn to compare ourselves to others, measuring our worth against others achievements. For some, that may work. But in my basketball career, it led to sleepless nights, inconsistent performances, and a constant feeling of not being good enough. Over my seven years in the game, I’ve also seen this happen to countless other athletes, each caught in a cycle of unwinnable comparison.
The Inner Game of Tennis: A Different Approach
A book that radically shifted my perspective is The Inner Game of Tennis by W. Timothy Gallwey. In it, Gallwey explains that any “game” involves players trying to reach a goal while overcoming an obstacle. But what truly matters is which type of game we choose to play—because some games are designed for endless comparison, while others open the door to sustainable growth.
Three Types of Games
Gallwey outlines three main types of games people play in their interactions:
1. Good
Aim: Achieve excellence.
Motivation: Prove to oneself that they are “good.”
This can manifest as chasing perfection or always trying to “look good.” Players trapped in this mindset often feel discouraged if they aren’t perfect and may fear losing approval when their performance slips. Feeling superior or inferior based on daily results is a common, exhausting cycle.
2. Friends
Aim: Make or keep friends.
Motivation: Stick with what’s comfortable or popular.
These are the athletes who play a sport primarily because their friends do or because they crave a sense of belonging. While camaraderie can be positive, the pitfalls include fear of losing status or being left out. It’s easy to avoid pushing limits when your main goal is to remain accepted by the group.
3. Fun & Learning
Aim: Enjoy the experience while learning.
Motivation: Play for the love of the game—and yourself.
Here, you compete in a purer form, treating performance as an expression of creativity and enjoyment. Every win or loss becomes a stepping stone. Every experience is a chance to grow. In this mindset, you can’t really lose because you’re always gaining insight, skill, or satisfaction.
When Comparison Crushed Me
For most of my life, I played to be the best in the world—my dream was to become the next Michael Jordan. When it finally hit me that this might not happen, it was devastating. So I pivoted: “Okay, then I’ll be the best Aussie ever.” But the underlying issue remained the same: I measured my self-worth against an impossible standard of perfection.
A Personal Anecdote: Sleepless Nights and Comparison
I remember one particularly low point in my career: lying in bed at 2 a.m., staring at the ceiling, replaying every missed shot from that night’s game. My heart pounded with anxiety, and I felt like I’d let myself—and everyone else—down. The harder I pushed to be “the best,” the more I spiraled into self-doubt:
“I’m a failure if I’m not perfect.”
“What will people say about my performance?”
“Everyone’s going to think I’m overrated.”
These thoughts turned the sport I loved into a source of torment, making me resent the game—and myself.
Realizing the Lose-Lose Game
Over time, it became clear I was playing a lose-lose game. Even on nights I performed well, it was never quite “good enough.” My desire to be the absolute best came from a deeper feeling of not being good enough as a person. My performances dictated how I viewed myself as a human being, and that’s a crushing weight to carry into every competition.
Reading about these different types of games opened my eyes. I realized my core issue was using comparison to determine my value. If I kept that up, I’d always find someone better than me eventually—or, worse, I’d fail to meet my own punishing standards.
Shifting to the Fun & Learning Game
I decided to change how I approached competition. No more seeking perfection or external approval. Instead, I focused on enjoyment and learning. Almost immediately, everything shifted:
My enthusiasm for practice returned; I started exploring new drills and skills for the fun of it.
I sought out uncomfortable challenges just to see how they would stretch my abilities.
I stopped reading comments and posts about me, choosing instead to monitor my own growth.
Within weeks, my love for the sport reignited. I felt more creative on the court, making consistent shots and playing with an ease I hadn’t felt in years. I realized I was always winning because I either succeeded outright or learned valuable lessons from my mistakes.
Why Comparison Holds Us Back
We crave comparison as humans—just look at debates like Michael Jordan vs. LeBron James, Magic vs. Bird, Pepsi vs. Coke. While small doses of comparison can help us make everyday decisions, constant comparison is a recipe for misery. It saps motivation, fuels jealousy, and leads to frustration or anger. Eventually, you’ll lose because there is always a bigger fish in the sea.
On the flip side, competition for joy and growth fosters consistent progress, a deeper sense of accomplishment, and long-term well-being. It becomes a personal journey rather than a race against someone else.
Competition as a Win-Win Game
True “winning” happens when you play against your own limits, viewing obstacles as tests of your capabilities—not as metrics to prove you’re better than another person. You learn about your strengths, identify areas to improve, and grow in the process.
With this shift in mindset, your outcomes no longer dictate how you feel about yourself. You compete, learn, and evolve—all while preserving self-respect and mental well-being.
Actionable Advice
Set Internal Goals Instead of External Comparisons
Identify two or three personal benchmarks you want to achieve (like perfecting a specific move or developing a mental skill) rather than comparing your stats to someone else’s.
Celebrate Micro-Wins
After each practice or game, write down one thing you learned and one moment you genuinely enjoyed. This focuses your mind on progress rather than external validation.
Embrace a “Test and Learn” Mindset
See challenging opponents or tough drills as experiments. Ask, “What can I learn today?” rather than “Am I better than them?”
Build a Reflection Routine
Spend 5–10 minutes journaling after competitions. Note what went well, what went wrong, and how you can use that knowledge next time.
Conclusion: Choose Your Game Wisely
Competition isn’t inherently flawed—how we use it makes all the difference. When it’s about defeating others to validate our worth, we walk a tightrope of anxiety, frustration, and inevitable disappointment. But when competition serves as a pathway to fun, learning, and self-expression, we unlock long-term progress and a genuine love for what we do.
It’s time to decide which game you want to play. Will you measure yourself by impossible comparisons—or will you find a more fulfilling, growth-oriented approach? Remember, the outcome doesn’t determine your value. The real victory lies in discovering who you are as you push your own boundaries, learn from your missteps, and enjoying the ups and downs of the journey.